Ending a long-term relationship is like having one of your vital organs ripped out—traumatic, painful, and life-altering. One month post-mortem, I sat in a packed-to-capacity auditorium at the 92nd Street Y listening to the inimitable relationship therapist Esther Perel.
Her question: “How many of you are single?” struck me, making the end of my relationship feel all too real. If you’ve ever experienced the end of a significant partnership, you understand the deep sense of loss that accompanies it. Breakups demand a profound level of emotional processing that society often overlooks.
The Rom-Com Myth vs. Reality
Romantic comedies paint an unrealistic picture of breakups. They often show women going on a journey of self-discovery, trying to find out who they are and, in the end, discovering love or self-fulfillment.
It was so far from the truth, but it was somewhat comforting. I thought my breakup would look like a romantic comedy—I booked retreats, did yoga, and meditated, all to “get back to me.” But the reality turned out to be far more complex.
The end of my relationship had been a peak that brought me face to face with a lot of other personal challenges: childhood trauma, my gay-identified life, and family estrangement.
It had been quite the roller coaster through prolonged grief and compounded by many facets of life. Every breakup is unique, with bevelment from several factors: personal identity, social connections, career stability, and, importantly, access to health care and resources.
Navigating Loneliness and Grief
I have been single since a breakup with Alex. It was an insurmountable task; while I was growing professionally and could see people around me getting closer, the same sort of fulfillment in relations has not happened for me.
The dating game has been disappointing; communication fails, and it’s hard to get deep. Not only others but my emotional availability was also a hurdle. Holidays and special occasions, once filled with happiness and shared traditions, only amplify a sense of loss and loneliness.
Spending that first Christmas without Alex was pure torture—all that time spent with him and his family felt like the most painful yet necessary goodbye. Subsequent holidays have been equally demanding, bringing reminders of family and routines that I previously had. Valentine’s Day, which used to be a lovely celebration with Alex, is now the day I feel super alone.
We used to prepare sushi and share our gifts—a cute habit I still miss. It has been hard for me to watch the celebration rather than participate in it.
The Challenge of Letting Go
Many ask, “Aren’t you over Alex already?” But letting go of someone wasn’t about deleting memories from your mind completely. It becomes part of us. We move through it and it becomes a smaller, more manageable part of our lives.
Alex was my family. Losing him was deep. Another may come along and bring healing with them, but my memories of our time will always remain. Many cultural and societal expectations don’t give enough emotional space to maneuver single life.
Such idealistic yet very reductive comments can sound like brushing off someone’s deep suffering and complexity, such as “You should enjoy being single” or “Learn to love yourself more.” After that, there is an element of acceptance that needs to be worked on. Some people move on quite fast, while others are stuck in the past quite severely. Neither of these is worse or unhealthier.
Subsequently, accepting where we are and not judging ourselves by society’s yardstick is paramount. There is a misconception that forgetting an ex automatically improves life. Life’s challenges remain, regardless of who we think of all day.
Most times, through pain and heartbreak, we learn the most about ourselves. Breaking up with my partner was hard, but what has been more challenging is finding out who I am outside of a relationship.
As tough as it has been, this struggle of self-discovery has been one of the most essential things in molding who I am today. In other words, getting over a breakup is not simply moving on from somebody but an entire traverse through an emotionally complex landscape where one comes to accept and understand feelings.
The expectations from society only make this journey more challenging, but receiving the process will lead to a change deep into self-attribution. Only then are we strengthened and empowered with self-awareness by recognizing pain and letting ourselves heal.
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