Effective communication is the cornerstone of successful relationships, whether at work, home, or in social settings.
One often overlooked but highly effective technique to elevate your influence is asking the right questions. Many people shy away from asking questions, fearing it may make them appear weak or unsure.
However, according to communication expert Matt Abrahams, a lecturer at Stanford University, the opposite is true—asking thoughtful questions can actually position you as a leader and strengthen your influence.
In this detailed analysis, we explore how asking the right questions can elevate your status, deepen relationships, and help you succeed in your career.
The Power of Asking Questions
Contrary to popular belief, asking questions is not a sign of weakness or insecurity. In fact, Abrahams points out that it’s a powerful tool that can shift the dynamics of conversations.
“Asking a question puts you in a position of power,” Abrahams explains. “I can actually raise my status and lower yours when I ask a challenging question.”
When you ask questions, especially good ones, you show that you’re attentive, empathetic, and open to learning.
These qualities are essential for building relationships, whether with colleagues, superiors, or even friends. The ability to ask good questions demonstrates intellectual humility, which experts believe is a crucial characteristic of effective leaders.
The Impact on Leadership
Leaders are often expected to have the answers, but Abrahams argues that knowing when and how to ask questions can be more impactful.
Balancing confidence with a willingness to learn can help leaders build rapport with their teams.
By asking the right questions, leaders can not only showcase their curiosity but also empower others to share their ideas, leading to more collaborative problem-solving.
But how do you ask questions in a way that boosts your influence? The answer lies in the structure and intent behind the questions.
What Makes a Good Question?
According to Abrahams, good questions share three key characteristics:
- Conciseness: The question should be brief and to the point, allowing the listener to stay engaged without losing focus.
- Contextual Relevance: A good question builds upon what the other person has said, furthering the conversation rather than merely summarizing or repeating points.
- Focused on a Central Idea: The question should revolve around the core topic of discussion, keeping the conversation centered on the “bottom line.”
The Role of Intent
Before asking a question, it’s essential to understand why you’re asking it. Are you trying to show that you’re actively listening, or are you helping the other person see things from a different perspective?
Maybe your goal is to drive the conversation forward or encourage deeper thinking.
Abrahams cautions against asking questions simply to appear engaged, such as during meetings where you feel obligated to participate. “If you’re not helping clarify a point or adding value to the conversation, your colleagues may just roll their eyes,” he warns.
Instead, aim for thoughtful, intentional questions that bring new insights or help solve problems.
How to Practice Asking Better Questions
Like any skill, learning to ask good questions takes practice. Abrahams recommends starting small by treating everyday conversations as opportunities to learn more about others. Approach these interactions like interviews where your goal is to uncover more about the other person’s thoughts or feelings.
Using AI Tools for Improvement
If you find that your questions tend to be too long or unfocused, there are ways to improve. Abrahams suggests using artificial intelligence tools, like ChatGPT, to help rephrase and shorten your questions.
By analyzing the results, you can see how to phrase your questions more concisely and effectively. This method not only improves your questioning technique but also helps you become more mindful of the words you use.
Active Listening: The Foundation of Good Questions
Asking good questions starts with listening. “Anytime you are listening, you’re doing yourself a service,” Abrahams emphasizes.
When you genuinely listen, you demonstrate that you value the other person’s perspective. This also helps you frame your question in a way that feels collaborative rather than confrontational.
Listening also fosters long-term relationships. By making others feel heard, you create a sense of trust and camaraderie, which in turn makes them more open to sharing their thoughts and ideas.
This dynamic is particularly valuable in professional settings, where mutual respect is often the foundation of effective teamwork.
Practical Applications: Asking the Right Questions at Work, Home, and Socially
So, how can you apply these principles in everyday situations? Whether in professional settings, family discussions, or social interactions, mastering the art of asking good questions can yield significant benefits.
In the Workplace
In the workplace, asking questions strategically can help you clarify points, show engagement, and even influence others’ perspectives. Instead of making statements or giving instructions, asking questions encourages collaboration and fosters a team-oriented environment.
Consider these examples:
- Instead of saying, “This approach won’t work,” ask, “How do you think this approach aligns with our overall goals?”
- Instead of providing immediate feedback, ask, “What challenges did you face with this project, and how can we address them together?”
At Home
At home, asking thoughtful questions can help improve communication and strengthen relationships with family members. Asking open-ended questions encourages deeper conversations and helps resolve conflicts more amicably.
Examples include:
- Instead of asking, “Did you have a good day?” ask, “What was the highlight of your day?”
- Instead of making assumptions, ask, “What can I do to support you better?”
In Social Settings
In social interactions, good questions help build connections and show genuine interest in the other person’s life or opinions. It’s also an excellent way to deepen friendships and broaden your understanding of diverse perspectives.
Try questions like:
- “What’s something you’re passionate about that not many people know?”
- “What’s a recent experience that really made you think?”
Conclusion: Elevate Your Influence Through Thoughtful Questioning
Asking the right questions is a powerful yet often underutilized skill.
By being concise, focused, and intentional with your questions, you can not only improve your conversations but also enhance your influence, deepen your relationships, and boost your career prospects.
Whether at work, at home, or in your social life, thoughtful questioning is a simple yet effective way to foster collaboration and understanding, putting you in a position of power and empathy.
Incorporate these techniques into your communication toolkit, and you’ll soon notice the profound impact they can have on your personal and professional life.
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