How High Are My Standards?

Standards! Everyone has them. We set them for our friendships, careers, personal achievements, and, most notably, romantic relationships. But while we’re busy fine-tuning the details of what we expect from others, how often do we take a step back to truly analyze the heights to which we’ve elevated those standards? Are we holding ourselves and others to reasonable expectations, or are we building castles in the air, only to lament when no one measures up?

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Are my standards too high?“, you’re not alone. It’s a question many wrestle with in the labyrinth of modern relationships. So, before diving deeper into introspection, here’s a tool to check where you stand: Delusion Meter. This unique calculator lets you gauge if your standards whether you’re male or female are in line with reality or soaring somewhere unattainable.

Now, let’s unpack this idea of standards, explore their impact, and investigate how we can navigate the fine line between healthy expectations and impossible demands.

The Foundation of Standards

Standards, in their simplest form, are the expectations we have from the world around us. They are shaped by our upbringing, experiences, and desires, which act as a filter through which we view potential partners, friendships, or career paths.

If you grew up in a family where education and career success were paramount, it’s likely you’ll have high expectations for your own professional life. Likewise, if you witnessed healthy, communicative relationships in your formative years, you may expect the same from your own romantic endeavors.

However, there’s a nuance to these expectations. While some are rooted in what we’ve experienced, others are born out of fantasy  ideals cultivated from romantic comedies, social media perfection, or the whispers of well-meaning but misguided friends. These unrealistic standards can easily slip into the territory of unattainable.

It’s natural to want the best for ourselves, but when standards become so elevated that no one or even we ourselves can reach them, we risk sabotaging our chances of ever finding happiness.

High Standards vs. Unrealistic Expectations

There’s a critical distinction to be made between high standards and unrealistic expectations. Having high standards is a reflection of knowing your worth and being unwilling to settle for less than you deserve. For example, wanting a partner who is kind, respectful, and supportive are high standards that foster a healthy relationship. Wanting someone who looks like a supermodel, earns a six-figure salary, and never makes a mistake might start edging into the realm of unrealistic expectations.

This is where the balance lies. We all have a list of qualities we look for in a partner or life situation, but sometimes we become so attached to these attributes that we lose sight of what truly matters. Ask yourself: Are my non-negotiables essential for a fulfilling life, or are they a reflection of superficial desires?

Take a moment to think about your standards. How did you develop them? Were they shaped by personal experiences, or are they heavily influenced by external factors like media or societal pressures? Often, we adopt the standards we believe we should have, rather than those that genuinely align with who we are.

The Perfection Trap

The idea of a “perfect” partner or job or friendship is seductive. We all want the fairy tale, the dream job that makes our hearts sing, or the friend who understands us without a word. But perfection is elusive. It’s an illusion, a mirage that changes the closer you get to it. And yet, many of us cling to it, refusing to compromise or adjust our standards because we fear settling for something less.

But here’s the thing: nobody’s perfect. Not you, not me, and certainly not the people we’ll meet in life. By chasing perfection, we set ourselves up for disappointment. The paradox is that perfection can be found in imperfection, those little quirks, vulnerabilities, and unique traits that make someone or something truly special.

High standards become problematic when we pursue perfection instead of seeking compatibility. If you’ve ever found yourself disappointed because someone didn’t tick every box on your list, consider whether those criteria were essential or if you were simply holding out for an idealized version of reality. The pursuit of perfection often blinds us to the beauty of what’s right in front of us.

Why Standards Matter

Despite the dangers of unrealistic expectations, having standards is crucial. They serve as the foundation of our self-respect and guide us toward healthy relationships and life choices. Without standards, we risk settling for less than we deserve, falling into toxic dynamics, or accepting mediocrity in our personal growth.

Standards reflect our values. If honesty, kindness, and ambition are important to you, it makes sense that you’d seek those qualities in others. When these standards are met, they pave the way for fulfilling connections and personal satisfaction. But it’s vital to ensure that these expectations are balanced by an understanding of reality and mutual growth.

For instance, if you expect a potential partner to be ambitious and driven, do you also acknowledge that their career demands might mean less time spent together? If you want someone emotionally available, do you also make space for their occasional bad day? It’s easy to set standards without considering the trade-offs or complexities that real life brings.

When High Standards Hold You Back

There comes a point when high standards can act as a barrier rather than a boon. This often happens when standards are used as a defense mechanism. After experiencing heartbreak, rejection, or disappointment, some people raise their expectations to an unreachable height, subconsciously protecting themselves from ever getting hurt again. If no one can meet your standards, you don’t have to risk vulnerability.

But while this protective wall may keep out the bad, it also keeps out the good. You may find yourself perpetually single, frustrated in your job, or feeling unfulfilled in friendships, never quite understanding why nothing seems to measure up.

The reality is, part of building meaningful relationships, romantic or otherwise involves compromise and acceptance. This doesn’t mean lowering your standards to the point of self-sacrifice, but rather adjusting your expectations to allow room for growth, imperfection, and the messy, beautiful nature of life.

Evaluating Your Standards

So, how do you know if your standards are too high? Start by asking yourself a few key questions:

• Are my expectations aligned with reality?
• Am I looking for a partner who complements my life, or am I seeking someone who fits a checklist?
• Do my standards reflect my values, or are they based on external influences like media or societal pressures?
• Am I willing to compromise on non-essential traits while maintaining my core values?

It’s not easy to adjust your standards, especially if you’ve held onto them for a long time. But in doing so, you may open yourself up to experiences and connections that bring you more joy and fulfillment than any idealized version of reality ever could.

The Journey to Balance

Ultimately, finding a balance between high standards and realistic expectations is a personal journey. It requires introspection, self-awareness, and a willingness to let go of perfectionism. The next time you find yourself wondering if your standards are too high, remember that it’s not about lowering your expectations, but about ensuring they are grounded in reality, growth, and genuine connection.

Life is too short to be trapped by impossible standards. Let go of the myth of perfection, and instead, embrace the beautifully imperfect possibilities that await.